accentuating the positive
A parent called me last month about the possibility of her son attending JRA. He was being counseled out of his current private school, and she was feeling quite nervous. Her concerns were all legitimate: he’d be devastated to leave his group of friends, and we were SO small compared to where he’d been. And that point system wouldn’t work with him; they’d tried point systems before and he hated them. But she was feeling desperate, so we decided to give it a try and we set up a visit.
Brandon had a great visit. He made an immediate friend, and all the other kids liked him as well. He loved art class and kickball. He didn’t say a word about the point sheet and dutifully carried it from class to class.
Our point sheet is set up in fifteen minute intervals, with points given in three areas: being kind, following directions, and participating in a positive way. There is a space for bonus points, which are given anytime we see someone doing something difficult, being extra kind, or just plain rising above our baseline expectations. If they don’t meet expectations, they get a dot. There is also a space for comments, which we make anytime they get a bonus or a dot.
Any student who gets two or fewer dots by the end of the day gets a twenty minute Harbor Time, in which students can choose from a variety of activities: knitting, art, break dancing, drama, drumming, playground, IPad games, board games, Jenga, or silent reading. Not every option is open every day and they sign up in the morning for the activity they hope to earn. If they don’t make Harbor Time, nothing bad happens, but nothing particularly fun does either. They just hang with Ms Houser or me while the others are participating in an activity.
In Brandon’s previous schools, because of his behavior he was the only one who had a point sheet. It was embarrassing to take it up to the teacher because it so clearly marked him as the problem. At JRA, everyone has a sheet. Two of our kids have never had a single dot and it’s a source of great pride for them. And we tally bonus points at the end of each day and carry them over to the next; when they get ten, they get a coupon that can be turned in for special field trips, extra IPad time, and even to buy back a dot.
The night of Brandon’s successful visit, his mother went up to tuck him in. “Can I start at JRA tomorrow?” he asked. She hadn’t expected THAT. “Why?” she asked. His first reason was that he appreciated not having homework, a sentiment his mother shared. He really liked the kids and kickball and art. “And I like getting a list of all the things I did right at the end of the day,” he continued. His mom was taken aback for a moment. “What list?” she asked him. “The point sheet,” he replied. And sure enough, there on his point sheet was a series of checks, with five bonus points and their explanation: good sportsmanship in kickball, reading the entire silent reading time, bringing a vegetable for lunch, collaboration in science, and taking a placement test in math.
Brandon isn’t used to getting a list of things he has done right because there is so much focus on what he does wrong that the good things get forgotten. One of the things his parents were most worried about turned out to be one of his favorite things.
We were happy to receive his application for 2012-13 year and we look forward to his attendance next year.
helping the future self
Recently we had an incident where Jeff felt insulted and, in retaliation, bonked another child with a cardboard box. The second child wasn’t hurt, but was highly indignant. I took Jeff inside and we sat down to fill out a behavior map, which we use to explore the ramifications of a child’s behavior in the hope that we can map out a new plan for the next time. Jeff is insightful and he was able to express both how he felt and how he imagined the other student’s feelings to be.
When we came to the part where we forged a new plan, I suggested we come up with strategies to use when he felt insulted. He shook his head no. “I have plenty of strategies,” he explained. “It’s just my future self can’t remember to use them.” I put my pen on the table and studied him. “And why can’t your future self use these strategies?” I asked. “Well . . . sometimes he’s just too angry and other times he doesn’t care.”
I thanked him for his thoughtful participation and sent him back to class while I puzzled over his answer. He had hit on what makes our kids different from those who don’t struggle with self-regulation, and I wasn’t sure what the answer was. Our kids DO know all the same strategies and perhaps even more of them than other kids do. But in the heat of the moment, they just can’t pull them out and use them effectively. It’s too much work for that future self to find those techniques that are authored when calm and forgotten when angry.
I’ve thought about this for several days and come to a partial understanding of what to do. First, we must identify the two or three strategies that work for a particular child. Deep breaths work for some; others just sound like the big bad wolf. The right-brained child may be able to use visualization to help overcome the fire-breathing dragon Anger, while the left-brain child has no idea what we’re talking about. After we have identified the strategies, we need an individualized plan. Our SLP is a master at these plans and we’ve found them helpful. The child, the parents and the teachers all have copies, and if a child is in distress, she has a written road map about how she can proceed without danger of getting in trouble. We must allow a child opportunities to role-play and practice these strategies until they become second nature. In our social thinking lunch groups, this is exactly what happens. And when we see an interaction in progress during the school day, we shouldn’t shut it down (“Be nice, you guys!”), but instead coach both parties through it. And last, but really simultaneously, we must help them learn to listen to their own bodies so that they can understand how it feels to reach the brink and perhaps learn to stop before they get to that point.
We’ll know we’ve succeeded when Jeff’s future self wears his strategies on his sleeve and doesn’t have to reach into the past to retrieve one.
"Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!" - Dr. Seuss
