Zero tolerance for zero-tolerance
I don’t have much tolerance for zero-tolerance policies. You’ve heard me say it before: behavior is communication. Sending kids home for misbehavior is punishing them for symptoms, and a real opportunity for learning is lost. We do send kids home very occasionally, usually because the others need a break from him or her. But we are clear that the best thing for the “perpetrator” is to get them back in the mix as quickly as possible and help them understand what went wrong. Two recent instances come to mind.
One of our younger children got very upset the other day. Our teacher assistant carried him to another room, where he rolled on the floor, howling that he was going to get a gun and shoot us all. He even made a gun with his fingers and pointed it at us. Were we worried? Not at all. After all, he’s six and he doesn’t have access to guns. That was simply the only way he knew to tell us just how angry he was. When he calmed down, I heard Ms. Courtney, his teacher, explain, “It’s okay to be angry. You say, ‘I am angry because . . . ‘” Was it scary to the other kids? Not a bit. Kids in the nearest class simply shook their heads and smiled knowingly. “I used to sound like that,” one older child told me. Kids and adults alike understood this was the cry of a child feeling powerless and frustrated and not the voice of a budding criminal. They know that as he gains power over his impulses, emotions, and actions, he will stop doing and saying things like that, just as they have.
That same day, David and Nash bumped shoulders in the hall. David immediately turned and started pummeling Nash, who is far bigger and who was quite willing to stomp David into the ground. Because there are always teachers in the hall during class changes, Mr. P gave Nash a big bear hug and moved him away from the action. I took David into the kitchen, while Mr. Williams got the other kids where they needed to go. Mr. Harrison covered Mr. P’s class while he walked Nash for twenty minutes, listening to his frustration and helping him come up with coping strategies. Ms Reily, our SLP, took David and helped him see that bumping shoulders in the hall was not an act of aggression, but an accident. She first helped him calm his body and get out of his fight, flight, or freeze mode and then they talked about it. In some schools, fighting results in suspension. Here we stop it immediately, figure out what the problem is, and help the kids through that breakdown.
With a zero tolerance policy, learning opportunities for several kids would have been lost. There are other ways to keep kids safe than by sending them home, and we actively look for those ways.
Movement . . .good for what ails you
We build in a lot of movement at JRA because we know, both from the research and from our own observation, that kids learn better when they are allowed to move. We start the day with kickball, go walking or running after lunch, have regular Bal-a-vis-x as part of our daily schedule, and keep balls, a mini-tramp, plasma cars, and fidgets in the classrooms. Today I was showing a family around the school when a teacher and a child walked by with their coats on. “I’m taking L out for a lap around the building,” the teacher called. We know how important movement is, but even so, it’s easy to forget how powerful it is.
I love all our students, but E always puts a smile on my face. Gentle and funny, he moves at his own speed and is unmoved by peer pressure. Third period is his “make-up” class, when he works with me to catch up on the work he didn’t finish the first two periods. Today I was trying to explain about commas in between items in a series. I’d explain, he’d smile and nod, and then I’d ask him to show me where the commas would go. He had no idea. I explained again, with similar results. I tried again. His face showed nothing but incomprehension. “E,”I said, “Can you tell me what I just said?” This sweet child, who does not have an ounce of meanness or irony in his body, looked at me tentatively and responded, “You said blah, blah, blah, blah.” “Well, that explains the problem,” I said. “I thought that might be what you were hearing. Let’s go jump on the trampoline!”
He jumped 30 times, I jumped 30 times, and then I followed him down the hall as he did his best Rocky imitation. He reached the table before I did, and when I arrived, he had already correctly added three commas. Movement’s powerful stuff and a cheap intervention. And it’s worth using for any child with a bad case of the blahs.
Sensory Diet
Just about all of our students have sensory integration difficulties. Some are sensory seekers, others are overly sensitive to noises, textures, and visual chaos. As we enter our third year at JRA, we have worked harder to enrich our environment, including many sensory activities that help students stay focused and calm during the day. We have gotten good advice from Katie Reily, our Speech and Language Pathologist, who is also a therapeutic educator in the Waldorf tradition. Linda King-Thomas of Developmental Therapy Associates of Durham provided a great inservice for us, and Claire Marsh, the occupational therapist from DTA who comes to work with students weekly individually and in class, has also been helpful.
We have tried to increase opportunities for movement in several ways. Every morning starts with a rousing kickball game. Students are very patient with those who are just learning, so everyone gets to play. After lunch, the whole school goes walking or running in nearby Nature Conservancy land, where opportunities to climb, jump, carry, and throw abound. We keep a mini-trampoline in the hall, ready for someone who needs to bounce. And all students participate in our Bal-a-vis-x program, where students bounce balls and pass beanbags rhythmically and often in unison.
In most of our rooms, we’ve worked hard at keeping visual clutter at a minimum. Eight foot windows and our high ceilings provide natural light and a feeling of spaciousness. The fish tanks and gecko cage provide calming and interesting things to watch. Boxes of fidgets of every kind are in each classroom. Here, chewing gum is not a cause for punishment, but a coping strategy that we encourage students to use. Some classes keep a cup of disposable drinking straws for kids to chew on. We make sure there are multiple textures and activities to captivate even the most sensory seeking child among us.
Sensory Processing Disorder or even just sensory integration difficulties: come check us out and see how we can help your child!
Changes for the new school year
As our year winds down, we are already looking ahead to the next one. One of the exciting things about being a small independent school is that we don’t have to do it the way everyone else does. We can find a different way. That is why our students are here in the first place. And we have some changes coming as well as some good things remaining.
•We flirted with the idea of moving, but our board voted to remain in Murphey School for another year. The lack of closet space is outweighed by 15 foot ceilings, light-filled rooms, the merry-go-round, and the world’s best landlord. And there’s the way the light makes the wood floors glow as it shines down the hall early morning . . .
•We love our older kids. But most of our parents knew their children needed this environment as early as kindergarten. It just doesn’t make sense to make them wait, and so this year we will offer a primary classroom, K-3, to a limited number of children. We will offer an enhanced sensory diet, research-based reading and math instruction, positive reinforcement, structure, social skills instruction, and lots of chance for movement. And as is true for every child at JRA, each child will work on their own level.
•As our 9th graders age up, we are adding 10th grade. They will receive high school credit along with structure and support to help them access the material they need.
•We will continue with Michelle Garcia Winner’s Social Thinking curriculum. Our social thinking lunches have proved to be popular with both students and teachers.
•We continue to pull in more resources to help our kids be successful behaviorally. We know that most maladaptive behavior is a kid’s trying to get away from something uncomfortable or to get something he needs. We want to look at each child’s difficulties carefully without the assumption that they are being just manipulative or trying to drive us crazy. Then, perhaps, we can help move them towards more productive coping strategies.
•Our entire staff and many of our contract OTs and SLPs will be trained in Bal-a-vis-X. We are hosting founder Bill Hubert at the school in August to give some of our teachers additional training, while training others for the first time.
Could this be the place for your child? You won’t know until you visit and find out. Give me a call and I’ll show you around!
Open House, March 24, 2012
If you have been wondering what we’re about, stop by and visit on Saturday, March 24, 2012, from 11:00 am to 2:00 pm. It’s a chance to meet teachers, parents and students and to hear what we can do for your child.
Our address is 3717 Murphy School Road, Durham, NC 27705. Our phone number is 919.932.0360. Come have a preliminary visit and come back again during the week when we have kids.
At present we have 19 students and hope to expand to 25 for the next academic year. We take kids from third grade through ninth and will add the tenth in 2012-2013. Presently we have students coming from Raleigh, Cary, Wake Forest, Fuquay-Varina, Durham, Chapel Hill, Vance County, and Chatham County, so the car pool possibilities are endless.
Here’s a sneak preview of some of the activities that go on during a school day: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_AxUSbne9iM&feature=player_embedded
accentuating the positive
A parent called me last month about the possibility of her son attending JRA. He was being counseled out of his current private school, and she was feeling quite nervous. Her concerns were all legitimate: he’d be devastated to leave his group of friends, and we were SO small compared to where he’d been. And that point system wouldn’t work with him; they’d tried point systems before and he hated them. But she was feeling desperate, so we decided to give it a try and we set up a visit.
Brandon had a great visit. He made an immediate friend, and all the other kids liked him as well. He loved art class and kickball. He didn’t say a word about the point sheet and dutifully carried it from class to class.
Our point sheet is set up in fifteen minute intervals, with points given in three areas: being kind, following directions, and participating in a positive way. There is a space for bonus points, which are given anytime we see someone doing something difficult, being extra kind, or just plain rising above our baseline expectations. If they don’t meet expectations, they get a dot. There is also a space for comments, which we make anytime they get a bonus or a dot.
Any student who gets two or fewer dots by the end of the day gets a twenty minute Harbor Time, in which students can choose from a variety of activities: knitting, art, break dancing, drama, drumming, playground, IPad games, board games, Jenga, or silent reading. Not every option is open every day and they sign up in the morning for the activity they hope to earn. If they don’t make Harbor Time, nothing bad happens, but nothing particularly fun does either. They just hang with Ms Houser or me while the others are participating in an activity.
In Brandon’s previous schools, because of his behavior he was the only one who had a point sheet. It was embarrassing to take it up to the teacher because it so clearly marked him as the problem. At JRA, everyone has a sheet. Two of our kids have never had a single dot and it’s a source of great pride for them. And we tally bonus points at the end of each day and carry them over to the next; when they get ten, they get a coupon that can be turned in for special field trips, extra IPad time, and even to buy back a dot.
The night of Brandon’s successful visit, his mother went up to tuck him in. “Can I start at JRA tomorrow?” he asked. She hadn’t expected THAT. “Why?” she asked. His first reason was that he appreciated not having homework, a sentiment his mother shared. He really liked the kids and kickball and art. “And I like getting a list of all the things I did right at the end of the day,” he continued. His mom was taken aback for a moment. “What list?” she asked him. “The point sheet,” he replied. And sure enough, there on his point sheet was a series of checks, with five bonus points and their explanation: good sportsmanship in kickball, reading the entire silent reading time, bringing a vegetable for lunch, collaboration in science, and taking a placement test in math.
Brandon isn’t used to getting a list of things he has done right because there is so much focus on what he does wrong that the good things get forgotten. One of the things his parents were most worried about turned out to be one of his favorite things.
We were happy to receive his application for 2012-13 year and we look forward to his attendance next year.
helping the future self
Recently we had an incident where Jeff felt insulted and, in retaliation, bonked another child with a cardboard box. The second child wasn’t hurt, but was highly indignant. I took Jeff inside and we sat down to fill out a behavior map, which we use to explore the ramifications of a child’s behavior in the hope that we can map out a new plan for the next time. Jeff is insightful and he was able to express both how he felt and how he imagined the other student’s feelings to be.
When we came to the part where we forged a new plan, I suggested we come up with strategies to use when he felt insulted. He shook his head no. “I have plenty of strategies,” he explained. “It’s just my future self can’t remember to use them.” I put my pen on the table and studied him. “And why can’t your future self use these strategies?” I asked. “Well . . . sometimes he’s just too angry and other times he doesn’t care.”
I thanked him for his thoughtful participation and sent him back to class while I puzzled over his answer. He had hit on what makes our kids different from those who don’t struggle with self-regulation, and I wasn’t sure what the answer was. Our kids DO know all the same strategies and perhaps even more of them than other kids do. But in the heat of the moment, they just can’t pull them out and use them effectively. It’s too much work for that future self to find those techniques that are authored when calm and forgotten when angry.
I’ve thought about this for several days and come to a partial understanding of what to do. First, we must identify the two or three strategies that work for a particular child. Deep breaths work for some; others just sound like the big bad wolf. The right-brained child may be able to use visualization to help overcome the fire-breathing dragon Anger, while the left-brain child has no idea what we’re talking about. After we have identified the strategies, we need an individualized plan. Our SLP is a master at these plans and we’ve found them helpful. The child, the parents and the teachers all have copies, and if a child is in distress, she has a written road map about how she can proceed without danger of getting in trouble. We must allow a child opportunities to role-play and practice these strategies until they become second nature. In our social thinking lunch groups, this is exactly what happens. And when we see an interaction in progress during the school day, we shouldn’t shut it down (“Be nice, you guys!”), but instead coach both parties through it. And last, but really simultaneously, we must help them learn to listen to their own bodies so that they can understand how it feels to reach the brink and perhaps learn to stop before they get to that point.
We’ll know we’ve succeeded when Jeff’s future self wears his strategies on his sleeve and doesn’t have to reach into the past to retrieve one.
Social skills deficits
Prospective parents are often surprised by how quickly we are willing to accept their children. We encourage the child and the parents to visit, and we want to make sure that we can keep the new child safe, along with all of our students. But we believe that most children will fit well into a school that offers structure, consistency, academic remediation and challenge, increased movement, and direct teaching of social skills.
Occasionally we accept a child who has been labeled a bully by another school. While many children exhibit “bullying” behaviors, very few do it because they are inherently mean or even disturbed. The social world is a complex one, and kids make many wrong guesses about how to navigate that world. Research shows that children with social skills deficits recognize those deficits and want to improve them, and we’ve found that to be true. We all want friends and we do what we think will work to form healthy relationships. If we misread social cues and misunderstand social expectations, we will appear socially awkward and perhaps even mean. This is hard for all kids, but especially for those with autism spectrum disorders.
I was reminded of this the other day when Sarah came to me complaining that Toby was throwing things at her and calling her names during movement time. I asked Toby to come see me, and we sat in my classroom and discussed the situation. His version was exactly the same as hers and he smiled in pleasure as he recounted it. “How do you think Sarah felt?” I asked. “Happy that I wanted to play with her?” he said. “Hmm,” I answered. “This is what Sarah’s face looked like when she told me about this.” I pantomimed my best sad face. He was puzzled. I pulled out a blank behavior map, something we fill out with a child when he is not understanding why a behavior is inappropriate and what effect it has on others.
As I took him through the map, asking him to describe his actions and their effects on others, I could tell he was thoroughly engaged. He really didn’t know how Sarah had felt. He had heard someone say that often when boys like girls, they tease them, and he didn’t realize that wasn’t a desirable thing. He was following the wrong script. He needed a new script, so I turned the paper over and drew a cartoon of Toby and Sarah. Toby was throwing his juice box at Sarah and calling her names. Sarah had a thought bubble that said, “Toby is saying mean things and throwing things at me. He must not like me.”
Our second cartoon had Toby thinking, “I want Sarah to think I am nice. I will talk to her about dogs because I know she likes animals.” He was very interested and asked several good questions. Then we role-played how he could talk to Sarah in a way that would not make her think he was weird. We made a copy of the behavior map to go home with him. Like all our kids, he has great parents who took the time to go over this with him again.
The next day, I was on the playground and observed Toby approach Sarah. I had earlier told Sarah what Toby and I had talked about and what I had advised Toby to do; I watched with interest. “Hi Sarah,” Toby began. “Do you have siblings?” Sarah answered in the affirmative, and Toby asked a couple of follow-up questions. They parted and I called Toby over. We discussed how well that interaction had gone and I gave him a bonus point for doing such a good job. His face glowed with pride.
Toby is an active participant in one of our four social thinking groups; he loves Michelle Garcia Winner’s Superflex superhero, who helps kids practice flexible thinking. He will also have a series of sessions with our speech-language pathologist who will help him feel more integrated in his body and who will help him in his social interactions. Our weekly Diner’s Club will help him with mealtime etiquette and conversation skills so his classmates will enjoy being around him at meals. A twice-a-week reading tutor helps him with reading comprehension, an area that also calls for a child to understand charactors’ actions and motivations and to make predictions about those. And direct teaching by all our teachers, along with feedback every fifteen minutes, will support the things he is learning.
Sarah was not ignored in all of this. We became even more vigilant than before. She was listened to and we helped her understand Toby’s motivations. We coached her on what she could do if this happened again. And she also got a bonus point for being patient and giving Toby a second chance.
Saying Toby is a bully because of his social thinking deficits is like calling a child who is behind in reading stupid. Neither deficit should be ignored and the skills necessary to shed those labels need to be directly taught. The label itself is a harmful one and does nothing to help a child gain the skills he needs.
Is Toby a bully? We say no.
Happy children
Happiness is a direction, not a place. ~Sydney J. Harris
When I ask parents what they want for their child, happiness is usually on the list. Their child’s needs may be many or few, but every parent hopes their child will find happiness in spite of their needs. When parents say this, I listen carefully to find out what they really mean. Do they want their child to develop the skills to be happy in life, or are they asking that we not make them unhappy, even if it’s just occasionally? This is important, because while we can work with the first parent’s wish, we will not succeed with the second.
I was reminded of this today when my co-teacher and I caused S., one of our camp kids, to cry. He had played a long time with a piece of equipment, and other children wanted to play with it too. We set the timer and then explained that it was time to let others have a turn. This did not go over well with him, and he clung tightly to the toy and wailed. Tarish and I didn’t even need to look at each other to know what to do. We gently but firmly stuck to our guns. We took turns sitting with him in his sadness, but even when the toy became available again, we explained that at JRA, you don’t get what you cry, or whine, or nag, or pitch a fit for.
It’s important that parents understand that JRA is not Narnia, but a place where children struggle with the day-to-day details of how to learn, live, work, play, be a friend, and yes, be happy. This isn’t easy. Kids fall short and fall down and sometimes fall apart for a while. That’s okay. We’re there to catch them. And we believe that every child deserves joy every day and so we build in opportunities for that to happen. But learning the skills that enable one to be happy in life isn’t always fun. We persevere because we know that the momentary pleasure that comes from always getting one’s way doesn’t last. It is having courage, character and resilience that come from deep within that makes a happy life a possibility. Those are qualities that must be forged and tested in order to become a lasting part of us.
When S.’s mother came today, I explained what had happened and why he didn’t get to play on the toy. She nodded and said, “That’s the rule at home too.” She seemed pleased that we loved S. enough to endure the storms he sent our way. I was pleased to realize this was a parent whose child we could help. And the hug and big smile he gave us as he left told us we’re on the right path.
A Vision for Our Community of Social Thinkers
We’ve Come A Long Way: A guest post by Jen Minnelli, SLP
Looking back over the year at everyone’s social development gives me hope for an even better year next year. We have gone to amazing places with our social thinking. Many of our children have come to us as veterans of social skills and manners groups, but they came lacking the thinking skills to generalize beyond the social scripts. Therefore, there was work to be done in knowing and really understanding what is appropriate, based on the setting and the others in the group.
Bucket Filling
We started by talking about everyone’s invisible buckets. Everyone learned how we fill a bucket, by saying or doing something kind and helpful, and how we dip out of a person’s bucket. Some of us needed help with keeping a lid on our buckets, so that others would not have the power to dip out of our buckets, and make us feel bad. Realizing that people who dip out of buckets are usually those who are already feeling really unhappy with themselves helped us keep our own good thoughts about ourselves, so that we can continue down the bucket-filling path.
Dealing with the Bullies: A Community Solution
As with every school community, we had our episodes of bullying this year. People, in turn, played the roles of target, bully, and bystander. We called upon the excellent work of Trudy Ludwig and Kim John Payne to sort things out. In our community, we understand (and research is bearing this out) that children who bully have been the victims of bullying, and should not be rejected, punished or kicked out of a community for acting this way. We have seen that this has been a cry for support, and the adults have worked to provide appropriate consequences and compassionate support for the children who have acted in the role of bully. For the target or victim, we have helped them put together a Power Anti-Bullying Toolkit, with strategies for dealing with bullies, like telling them to STOP, using an I-statement, asking a grownup for help, or making a joke, when that feels safe and comfortable. The bystanders who see this going on know that they are not tattling when they see a person getting hurt by someone else. The bystanders now know the important distinction between tattling and reporting.
The Four Steps of Social Communication (based on the work of Michelle Garcia Winner, 2010)
We have a diverse group of children who are grappling with social communication at all stages. We have used the Social Thinking TM methodology (Winner, 2010) to support everyone’s development along the continuum.
Step 0.5: When you go to school, you realize that you share space with others.
Sharing space has been a biggie. Many of our children have come from more structured environments, and many have come from being home-schooled. Part of sharing space is making the appropriate sensory adaptations so that people can feel comfortable around others. Some children wear earphones to dull the ambient noise. Some children require more movement to learn. They have been comfortable sitting on ball chairs, chilling out in the tent, standing up to do fine motor activities, and walking around to stimulate their thinking. Some children have needed to leave early on some days because sharing space for 6 hours straight is a big challenge. Our community can handle this.
Step 1: When you share space with others, you have thoughts about others, and they have thoughts about you.
We have called on Winner’s SuperFlex curriculum to help the children recognize the thoughts that they are having about others and to realize when we should keep certain thoughts inside our heads.
Step 2: Since we are sharing space with each other, we wonder what the other person’s/people’s plan is.
Many of our children have been working on using their detective skills to understand others’ plans. We use our eyes, ears, and brain to notice things about others, make inferences about others, and then make choices based on those inferences. It has been really okay and helpful to ask questions like, “Does it bother you when I do this?” And, if you are doing something that bothers others, our community offers you support and encouragement, rather than stigmatization.
Step 3: We realize that people are having good thoughts/uncomfortable thoughts about us based on choices that we make.
At times we have used the social behavior map system with children who are having trouble understanding why their choices and actions are unwanted. Usually, when people, especially teachers, are having uncomfortable thoughts about us, we end up having very unhappy feelings. It has helped many of us to see the direct, visual connection between our choices, others’ feelings, the consequence we receive and then our own feelings.
Step 4: Since people are having thoughts about us when we share space, we try to adjust our behavior to keep others having good thoughts about us.
Ever so slowly, the adults have seen a shift in how we all treat each other. This final step is a work in progress. We are all actively engaged in supporting this step with our kids. We repair a goofy thing we might have said. We offer an authentic apology. We think before we speak. We use an I-statement to help others hear our perspective. We stay out of something that does not concern us. We take deep breaths and say, “I hear what you are saying, and I have a different opinion.” This is the work of this community.
Looking Ahead to an Amazing Place
In a few short weeks, I am heading out to the Social Thinking Providers’ Conference, where I look forward to being inspired by the work of my peers and mentors in the Social Thinking world. I will get to hear Dr. Ross Greene, Harvard professor of Psychology, and author of Lost at School and The Explosive Child, offer concrete strategies for Collaborative Problem Solving. I will get to hear Michelle Garcia Winner talk about the latest in Social Thinking research. Professionals will talk about incorporating Social Thinking into daily narratives, casual conversation and physical education. SuperFlex will be there with new strategies to defeat the Unthinkables. I hope to be able to share with others one of our student’s brilliant ideas: a brand new team of “Thinkables” who help a person get through the day with social competence.
I feel blessed to be among a community of parents and teachers who see the direct connection between academic success and social cognition. As we target these important cognitive linguistic goals over the next year, we are preparing our kids for productive, connected lives outside of JRA. Building our community in this way is what defines us and sets us apart from other independent schools.
"The whole world opened to me when I learned to read." - Mary McLeod Bethune
